Since posting recently, a Donnybrook brewed between two families. One family hates the other, especially the words “toxic family.”
What is that, anyway? And what is the difference between a toxic relationship and a dysfunctional family?
I grew up in both.
My parents were both deaf, and I was the older of two children. In those days (60s-70s) there were no interpreters provided for the Deaf and so the oldest child usually had to fill that role. It’s a lot of responsibility for a child. It’s one thing to fill your parents in on what’s happening on a TV program and quite another to try to interpret about using escrow to pay a mortgage payment because the person renting your house is delinquent with the rent. That a child would have to interpret doctor and ER visits, meetings with lawyers, and other complicated matters isn’t functional.
It's difficult but not toxic.
This part is toxic: being told repeatedly that hearing people are no good and out to oppress, suppress and otherwise take advantage of Deaf people. I could hear. Did that mean me? Many times, my parents accused my brother and me of taking advantage of them. It was hurtful to be accused of that horrible crime all Deaf people disapproved of. It was especially hurtful because it wasn’t true.
This part is dysfunctional and toxic: using a child as a therapist. That happened to me. My parents would drink and then have the most awful physical fights. Then they might go weeks without speaking to each other. Instead, Mom would talk to me. She would tell me things about my Dad that made me so uncomfortable. I would tell her, “But I’m not a counselor. I don’t know what to tell you, and I don’t like to hear these things.” And she would say, “But I have no one else to talk to.” What was I supposed to do? I listened and squirmed.
It was dysfunctional and toxic for my brother and me to become victims of our mother’s rages. We were terrified of her when she went into a frenzy because she had hurt us before in those rages.
It was dysfunctional and toxic for my brother and me to have to deal with their heavy drinking and domestic violence. We either locked ourselves in our rooms until everything became quiet or we would run out of the house to escape it all.
What they wanted and needed was more important than my brother and me. That’s not how a functional family is run.
This is how a situation would go:
My brother and I could see and feel Mom becoming more tense and irritated about something. We had to walk on eggshells and be very careful not to say or do anything to upset her.
Something small would set her off. Maybe the potatoes tasted too salty. Maybe a few dishes were left in the sink. Maybe Dad took more than his share of roast beef.
Suddenly, they would become angry and argue. Hands flying, cracking, and snapping, they would begin to hurtle insults at each other. Fists would pound on the table. My brother and I would jump up. Time to go hide.
Then would come domestic violence. One or the other would be a punching bag.
Later, we would ignore the bruises and pretend nothing happened.
It changed my brother and me. We were no longer the children we were meant to be. In those days, there was no diagnosis of post-traumatic disorder. It’s a true diagnosis. My brother and I still struggle with it.
In one way my parents were not toxic: they didn’t try to control us. They didn’t interfere with our school activities or who or where we hung out.
As for manipulation and guilt-tripping: yes, they used those tactics when they needed us to interpret (my brother filled in after I left home at 19) and to instill in us that while we understood the Deaf, we were also of the enemy. We were Hearing.
I have had years of therapy and twelve-step meetings. I recognize now that my family was dysfunctional, and the relationships were toxic. I recognize it when it happens to others, and it upsets me greatly. I always remember how it felt for me to break free of it.
Just for informational purposes, here is a picture of toxicity:
And here is the definition of a dysfunctional family, found on a Bing search:
A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often child neglect or abuse occur continuously and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions1. Members of a dysfunctional family are unable to attain closeness and self-expression2. The term ‘dysfunctional family’ is defined as a family with multiple ‘internal’ conflicts, e.g. sibling rivalries, parent-child conflicts, domestic violence, mental illness, single parenthood, or ‘external’ conflicts, e.g. alcohol or drug abuse, extramarital affairs, gambling, unemployment-influences that affect the basic needs of the family unit3
I am participating in the American Cancer Society’s challenge to write for thirty minutes each day in May. I do a lot of writing and I can meet this challenge. I plan to make a blog entry each day with what I’ve written.
I wanted to participate in memory of loved ones who fought cancer bravely but succumbed:
My brother-in-law Jeff
My sister-in-law Ann
My dear friend Kay
My Uncle Bob
My Uncle John
I also wanted to help raise money to support research and a cure for those currently fighting this vicious disease.
My Facebook link to the fundraiser is here.
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