20 Years in a blink of the eye

We just celebrated our wedding anniversary.

Twenty years now and it happened in the blink of an eye.  TB and I celebrated our 20^th wedding anniversary on June 1^st.  Memories come up in my brain like a bunch of submerged floats popping to the surface.

I didn’t expect to ever remarry in spite of how Rich encouraged me to go on if he passed away.  That was when he started have arterial fibrillation in addition to his other heart issues.  He was only 40 when he died.  He was my soulmate.  How could I ever marry again when half of my heart had been amputated?

Earlier I wrote a blog entry about how I met TB.  I strongly believe that it was Rich that pushed me in TB’s direction with his whispered words: “Give him a chance.”  The part I’m talking about was toward the end of the post here https://irishcoda54.blogspot.com/2022/02/life-after-death.html

So, I reached out and contacted TB.  He lived in New Jersey; the kids and I lived on Long Island.  Not too far, not too close.  He answered and we struck up an enjoyable email friendship at first.  As we began to see how many of the same values and enjoyment of the same activities (reading, especially), we exchanged phone numbers and began to have long conversations when he got off work.

I remember how supportive he was one night when I was so worried about my son Bill.  He’d asked to go into the city with a friend for one of those cards (Pokémon or one of the others) conventions.  I was very nervous about it; he was fifteen and assured me there would be his friend’s parent going with.  Reluctantly, I said ok.  At that time, none of my kids had cell phones.  So now it’s after 11 p.m. and they’re not home yet.  TB’s soothing and comforting words helped keep me calm.  Bill arrived home safely just before midnight.  He’d had a great time.

For spring break, I decided to take the kids and go to Disney World, Sea World and Universal Studios.  I was terrified of flying and it was expensive for the four of us anyway so I decided to drive there.  TB and I thought it would be great to meet face-to-face while I was going through New Jersey.  We picked a McDonald’s just off Exit 7-something on the Turnpike.

I happened to park our van right next to his car.  I recognized him immediately.  We both were very shy, saying hello.  Then, as we walked through the lot to the restaurant, I took his hand in mine and then everything was fine.  We relaxed and began chatting away just as we did on the phone.  I’d told the kids that I’d made friends with TB after one of our phone conversations so they were polite but reserved with him.

We spent about 2 hours at that McDonald’s!  We all walked together back to our cars.  TB reached into his and brought out a stuffed bear with angel wings.  It was for our safety to Florida and back.  We kissed and sort of “knew” then that it was going to work out for us.

Both of us had lost our spouses.  We had both known a great, rare love and that you just don’t find that every day.  We decided not to wait to get married.  At first, we were just going to go to a justice of the peace but TB’s mom got wind of it and wanted us to have a wedding with family.  We didn’t want or need a big ceremony and TB’s good friend, Paul Chapman, was a minister.

There was a charming little gazebo in New Egypt, which is where TB lived.  We arranged to get married there and announced the date we’d chosen: June 1, 2002.  We announced our plans on the internet and were happily surprised by the love and support from family and friends.  We had dinner with Paul and his wife a few weeks before the wedding.  He counseled us and was happy to officiate.

I think what meant to be most was the fact that Rich’s father and wife drove from their home in Pennsylvania to our wedding.  Fred said to me that he understood what it was like, and I knew it to be true.  Alberta was his second wife.  His first wife, Rich’s mother, had been killed in a tragic car accident.  Some family and friends accepted his remarriage from the get-go; others hadn’t.

Another surprise was a friend and her family showing up from Pittsburgh, PA.  We were thrilled they made the effort to come to New Jersey.  Also present were my kids, TB’s adult daughters Michele (and family) and Linda with her boyfriend Kennan, Lucille (TB’s mom), TB’s brother Tim, a few other friends, another pastor TB knew well, and other passers-by.  We had a really nice reception at Lucille’s home.  It turned out to be a perfect day.

The last 20 years haven’t all been smooth and easy.  We’ve had some really rocky times blending our families, keeping our heads above water when TB got hurt on the job and couldn’t work anymore, health challenges, deaths in the families, and the past six-year national horror show.  We’ve had arguments like any couple will.  Love and respect are the glues that held us together.

He enjoys working with his hands and has his own wood shop at the back of the house.  I love to write and catch up with friends and family on Facebook.  We almost the same values and interests.  We are both avid readers.  We both enjoy watching series together on Netflix or Hulu.  We have the same goals.

We both love cats although he likes to say I “converted” him.

So, we’ve been married 20 years now.  It seems like yesterday; it feels like we were always together.  I thank God and Rich and TB’s Audrey for pulling this off.

Do Something. Please.

Robert Reich had a very moving newsletter this morning, for me, anyway.  https://robertreich.substack.com/p/empathy-and-activism?s=r&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web He wrote about the different types of empathy and its opposite, indifference or numbness.  The article meant a great deal to me because I am an empathic soul with an inner warrior that comes to the surface when there is injustice.

The slaughter of the elderly black citizens in Buffalo, the 19 children and 2 teachers in Alverde, TX has awakened that inner warrior.  The massacre of these innocent people is a gross injustice.  They deserved to live out their lives in whatever path they were led.  In addition to all those people killed with yet another AR-15, seventeen were wounded at the elementary school.  It makes my blood boil.  I can’t even begin to imagine the devastation and grief the families feel.

I saw a post listing all of the mass shootings, all of them carried out by an AK-15, an automatic weapon that fires many rounds within seconds.  They kill people because of the devastating and mutilating wounds they cause.  Citizens do not need automatic weapons, which were designed for the military.  The primary and only purpose is to kill a lot of people which makes it appropriate for soldiers but surely not for 18 year old disturbed or supremacist kids.  Hunters don't need automatic weapons.  They wouldn't be able to use the meat from an animal blown to pieces.   Access to those weapons has to be changed and it's up to people with empathy to bring that change about.

Robert Reich wrote that some people are so empathic, they feel as if these tragedies are happening to them.  They so strongly identify with the victims it becomes almost debilitating.  They are unable to act because they are so devastated.

There’s empaths more like me.  We grieve deeply but then are moved to act and try to do something to make things better.  I’m disabled so marching and carrying signs aren’t for me now although I once did participate in a sit in at the formerly called Health, Education & Welfare (HEW) building in Washington, DC.  It was 1976 and the law to protect people with disabilities had been passed in 1973, but the HEW secretary never signed them. 

I was 21 and volunteered to go in with a group of Deaf, blind, and wheel chair bound protesters.  I would be one of the interpreters there for the Deaf.  The police were reluctant to move in and remove us because it would have looked really bad in the press.  Instead, they did their best to drive us out, denying us food and phones, ratcheting up the AC although it was April and cold, and making us remove our shoes before going down the hall to the bathrooms.  I slept on the floor with everyone else, my purse as a pillow. 

We left the next morning because many protestors needed medication and other necessities that were denied by the police.  We weren’t angry about that; we were trespassing so we knew we wouldn’t be coddled.  Similar protests went on at HEW offices around the country.  Secretary Califano signed the regulations.  I totally value that experience.  I felt I was doing something positive about correcting an injustice. 

I can’t do that but there’s a lot I can do from home and have already contacted organizations to volunteer my time.  I can write letters, send emails, join a phonebank, address envelopes – whatever it takes.  It’s not much but when people get involved and do the same thing, it’s amazing what we can do.

On the other end of the spectrum, Reich wrote about the people who either don’t care because they’re narcissists (like the “illustrious” 45), because they’re too focused on what’s going on in their lives, or because they feel nothing they do will make a difference.  I can’t say a thing to change a narcissist and some people really have very overwhelming issues already, but I can say to the people who think what they do doesn’t matter:  yes, it does.  Doing one small thing matters.  Stepping up and. Like Howard Beale from Network, proclaiming: “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

Harry Chapin was a singer/philanthropist and his cause was hunger.  He would say, “When in doubt, do something.”  Well, that applies here too.

Please.

Step up and do something too.

Michigan Parents Want ASL in Schools

I was grabbed by a headline I saw the other day and only just got a chance to read it.  It’s called “Parents of deaf kids push for more American Sign Language education” and this is the url: https://www.wxyz.com/news/national/two-americas/parents-of-deaf-kids-push-for-more-american-sign-language-education.  It grabbed me, of course, because these were *hearing* parents of deaf kids requesting ASL education. 

I wrote before about the times in which my parents grew up and hearing parents were mostly very much against deaf children learning sign language.  I also wrote about my experiences as an interpreter for Deaf students in the school system.  There, there were 3 different methods of communication and 3 different kinds of interpreters: sign language, cued speech and lipreading (oral method).  We were beginning to see the spread of cochlear implants, the newest thing in “fixing” a Deaf kid.

 When Deaf parents have a Deaf baby, that child learns sign language right from the beginning.  When they begin school, they have a language in place: American Sign Language.  They have an easier time with English and don’t lag behind as much as the deaf kids with hearing parents. 

Why?  Those kids don’t have language from the get go.  It takes a while for the parent to realize there’s a problem.  The first thing they do is take their kids to doctors and audiologists who still view deafness as something pathological that needs to be “fixed”.  They recommend testing to see if the kids qualify for cochlear implants.  Meanwhile, other hearing kids are in preschool learning and signing deaf kids are in the process of acquiring more language too.

By the time deaf kids of hearing parents enter kindergarten, they’re lagging behind their hearing and signing deaf peers.  They may or may not have been implanted.  The white coated specialists have advised hearing parents NOT to use sign language because it might “impede” language acquisition.  This is the same bullshit reasoning used when my mother attended an oral-only school for the deaf.  Everyone told my grandparents that learning sign language would prevent my mother from speaking proper English.

Hearing educators think they know what’s best for Deaf children.  They don’t.  They know little to nothing about sign language and how much it benefits and enriches the lives of Deaf people.  I’m very happy that, in this article, mothers in Michigan with deaf kids are united in trying to get a bill passed in their state legislature that would allow for ASL in schools.  “These women are now behind the fight for Lead-K, a legislative campaign calling for the state to put ASL learning on equal footing with English, and ensure deaf kids are at age-expected levels by kindergarten.”  I hope it passes but don’t hold out with too much hope for it because of the mindset of the GQP: they are determined to set the clocks back any way they can.

Even after the Deaf President Now and Deaf Pride movement, there is still so much ignorance about deafness.  I think many people think ASL is just uneducated English.  It’s not.  It’s a beautiful expressive language with its own grammatical rules, syntax, and idioms.  Here’s a better source explaining what ASL is from the National Association of the Deaf’s website: https://www.nad.org/resources/american-sign-language/what-is-american-sign-language/