Supporting the Lonely Child

 

There was a topic I meant to write about on my blog sometime last week but then came the revealing Jan 6^th committee hearings and SCOTUS’ wrongfully decision to reverse Roe v. Wade.

There was an article in the Readers’ Digest newsletter I receive every day.  The article was titled “One Teacher’s Brilliant Strategy to Stop Further School Shootings”.  Ah, this would be an interesting one to read in view of the times and the lackluster gun bill just passed by Congress and signed into law by President Biden.  The link to the whole article: https://www.rd.com/article/stop-bullying-strategy/?_cmp=readuprdus&_ebid=readuprdus6252022&_mid=509071&ehid=640dcc195197ba01718c368163bf83f61404b72d&_PermHash=13660bfeb26f12d44f84b122ca5ed8d5f1acd1ca439a25e7fe835ee487c11d11 The essay originally appeared in 2014 but then was shared again after the 2018 massacre at Parkland High School in FL.

The author met with her son’s fifth grade teacher.  During the course of the conversation, the teacher spoke of every Friday activity: she has her students take out a piece of paper.  She asks them to write down 4 classmates they’d like to sit with the following week.  She tells her students their requests might be honored or might not.  Then she asks the kids to nominate one person to receive an award they think has been an exceptional student that week.  The ballots are kept secret and handed in to her.

Over the weekend, she looks at the names and tries to find patterns.  From the article:

“Who is not getting requested by anyone else?

Who can’t think of anyone to request?

Who never gets noticed enough to be nominated?

Who had a million friends last week and none this week?”

The teacher isn’t looking to see who is the most popular or the best citizen.  She’s looking for the kids who are not.  Maybe some of those kids are being bullied.  Maybe they’re ignored because they’re “invisible” (aka as shy or passive).  Maybe a child was “popular” but is now being ostracized.  She finds not only the bullied, isolated, lonely kids but can also figure out who the bullies are.  In this way, she can help the lonely child by providing TLC in the form of support and maybe even tutoring on how to build friendships.  And she can keep an eagle eye out for the bullies, who attack when a teacher isn’t around.

So, the author-parent was amazed and impressed.  She asked how long the teacher had been doing this activity every Friday.

The teacher answered, ever since Columbine (which was in 1999).

“This brilliant woman watched Columbine knowing that all violence begins with disconnection. All outward violence begins as inner loneliness. Who are our next mass shooters and how do we stop them? She watched that tragedy knowing that children who aren’t being noticed may eventually resort to being noticed by any means necessary.

And so, she decided to start fighting violence early and often in the world within her reach. What Chase’s teacher is doing when she sits in her empty classroom studying those lists written with shaky 11-year-old hands is saving lives. I am convinced of it.”

Isn’t that something?

I was a rather lonely child in that I had family secrets to keep.  Friendships had to be kept at arm’s length.  There wasn’t any bullying except for seventh grade but I was isolated and very much alone.  There was an English teacher that recognized herself in me and spoke to me privately.  There was no way I could tell the truth about my dysfunctional family but the fact that she reached out to me meant the world. 

The fact she reached out to one who also suffered probably inspired more empathy.  One thing that was so enjoyable after I retired was reading to young children, kindergarten through second grade.  The children were not the avid readers; they tended to be behind their classmates and mostly unnoticed at home and by their fellow classmates.  I spent an hour with two kids; each got 30 minutes undivided time with me.  We chatted for a few minutes and then they would enjoy having a story read to them.  Some hadn’t ever experienced being read to as individuals.  They began the school year, hesitant and shy.  By the end of the year, you couldn’t stop their enthusiasm.  They loved receiving a book of their own as an end-of-year gift.  Some told me it was their very first book.

There were so many wonderful kids.  I remember one in particular, a sweet first grader who absolutely adored Pete-the-Cat books.  The following September, I went into the office to sign myself out from a reading session with two new students and found this little girl lying on the floor near the secretary, crying.  I asked her what was wrong and a nearby security officer rolled her eyes and indicated the little girl was a PITA (but she didn’t say that).  The little girl cried harder and thrashed around.  I knelt down and spoke to her soothingly and she calmed a little, recognizing me.

The reading teacher came into the office.  Apparently, she’d been summoned to deal with the child, who’d calmed down considerably.  After a few more minutes, the security guard escorted the child back to her classroom while I stayed and talked with the reading teacher.  The child wasn’t adjusting to second grade well.  She was having frequent bursts of temper and tantruming. 

The reading teacher asked me if I’d like to mentor the child.  My role would be to encourage and support the child, meeting with her once a week to have lunch with her.  I said yes and spoke with the school’s social worker to make all the arrangements.  The child’s classroom teacher preferred that I meet with the little girl during class time instead of lunch.  Was it to give the teacher a break?  It didn’t matter.

For the rest of the school year, we met together in the social worker’s outer office.  Sometimes she would be happy, the same little one I’d remembered from the year before.  Other times, there were tears and anger from a recent meltdown.  Most of the time, we talked about her week at school and at home, her interests, and whatever was troubling her.  We would talk about how to deal with conflicts without tantruming.

Her favorite character was Pete-the-cat, and he had a specific quote about staying cool.  It was a great quote to focus on, and I sure wish I could remember it now.  I also read to her and when I did, she would snuggle up to me.  The teachers and even the security guard began to see some improvement with her behavior.  At the end of the school year, I gave her a stuffed Pete-the-cat doll and storybook.

The following September she would start third grade at another school on campus.  There were three schools on that campus: one for K-2, one for 3-4, and one for grade 5.  The reading teacher asked if I would continue to mentor the child at the next school and I said yes.  We tried to set me up at the next school but there was never any follow through.  I lost touch with the little girl.

She would be a junior or senior this September.  How did she fare all these years?  Did that year of extra attention and love make a difference?  I’d like to think so.