Safe In My Heart

Today has always had special significance for me because it was the day my first husband, Rich, died.  The song that I think of most today is a song called “My Heart Will Go On” from the movie Titanic.  The lyrics are:

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more, you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go 'til we're gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I'd hold to
In my life, we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on (why does the heart go on?)
Once more, you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart and
My heart will go on and on

 We both loved that song as well as another called “I Hope You Dance”.   We both had a fascination with John Edward, the psychic, and promised that whoever "went first" would come back and try to communicate with the other.

Until I began dating Ted, I had a lot of communications from Rich.  Some people would just say this is coincidence but for months I would wake up around 4 a.m. and either “My Heart Will Go On” or “I Hope You Dance” was playing.  Sometimes my printer would turn on and print out a little heart symbol.  Other times, my scanner would go on and Rich’s picture would appear on my computer screen.  These things would happen when I was in another part of the room.  I’d lift the lid of the scanner and nothing was there.  Sometimes I’d catch a flash or an impression that he was there in the room or car with me.

I started looking for widowers to talk to after months of grief and loneliness, and I signed up with Match.com.  Ted’s profile came to me one day and I was struck by his physical resemblance to Rich.  Oh no, I thought, and deleted the profile.  Interestingly, I didn’t try to locate widows on LI or even in NY, which is where I was living.  I was looking for out-of-state friendships because my loss was so new.  I didn't want to date yet.

My membership in Match.com was about to expire after the trial period, and I decided not to keep going with it.  I was discovering that most widowers were looking for relationships and wanted to hook up with women much younger.  Then Ted’s profile showed up again and I heard Rich whisper, “Give him a chance.”  I felt like I’d had an electric shock.  I read the profile and decided I would contact him.  The rest, as they say, is history.

The last time I saw Rich was in one of those dreams that feels like it’s really happening.  I was falling asleep and he sat beside me, picked me up and pulled me onto his lap.  He started rocking me, holding me close.  He said softly, “I have to go now.”  When I woke up, I felt rested.

What I have now are warm and loving memories of Rich, and that’s how it should be.  My heart went on with Ted and I love him.  Rich lives on in a piece of my heart and always will.