A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about parental estrangement https://irishcoda54.blogspot.com/2022/05/estrangement-from-parents.html. I explained why I was estranged from my parents several times over the years. When I was estranged from them, I didn’t visit or contact them. That meant there were times my parents didn’t see my children. They never asked to see them, and I believed they were so dysfunctional it wouldn’t be in the kids’ best interest to spend time with them.
I read an article in Katie Couric’s Wake-Up call newsletter. https://katiecouric.com/lifestyle/parenting/do-grandparents-have-legal-rights-to-see-their-grandchildren/?utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=WUC_Weekend&utm_term=all_users I read the whole thing through, wondering if anything has changed so that grandparents have a right to visitation with their grandchildren. The answer, for my husband and me, is no.
We have one grandchild in New Jersey and we have been a constant part of his life since he was an infant. There were times when family disagreements with his mom led to periods of time when we couldn’t see him. It was heart-breaking. The story is long and complicated, just suffice to say that when he was about 3, the situation changed and we began to see him regularly.
His parents didn’t marry. For a specific reason, his father had full custody. His father wasn’t related to us but he was generous with allowing us to see our grandson. Over the years, we built a strong relationship with the boy. We went on hikes on the woods; swimming in the lake; saw movies together; ate meals together; played games together; celebrated holidays together. We’d go to his school for concerts and special events. We visited museums, zoos, aquariums, and the battleship New Jersey.
Although the father was accepting toward us, the other grandmother was not. She never forgave the mother for the breakup in the relationship. She was bitter toward us as well, as if we were to blame for what happened too. She had this paranoid fear that somehow our grandchild’s mother would take him and leave the state forever. The mother did move out of state but that didn’t ease Mom-Mom’s worry.
In September 2020, our grandson’s father died. His health had been failing over the years. We don’t know if it was kidney disease or covid that killed him because his family wasn’t forthcoming with any details. Our grandson wasn’t even sure why his dad had died. Mom-Mom was in a near state of hysteria. There was no will; there was no directive for custody. She was afraid the mother would return and take grandson away since he was still a minor, just 16.
Mom-Mom dictated that none of our other family members could have anything to do with our grandson. We were not going to rock the boat. There was no way we wanted to endanger our relationship with him. Our grandson wanted to continue living with Mom-Mom, and so he did. His paternal uncle stepped up. The boy was surrounded by love from them and from us.
He turned 18 in February. In March, his maternal aunt and her fiancé came to NJ to look for a wedding gown. They wanted to be married in NJ. The mother was to be a matron of honor; she and her family also came to NJ. The mother hadn’t seen, spoken or contacted our grandson in 13 years. Like I said, a long complicated sad story. They all wanted to see our grandson. The mother and a half-sister wrote to our grandson, using our mailing address.
We took our grandson out for a meal and gave him the cards. He was very moved. He’d only gotten a very negative picture of his mother from Mom-Mom. He wanted to see his mother again and meet his half-siblings. He knew Mom-Mom would be furious so he didn’t want us to say anything to her about it.
So, we brought our grandson to our house; he’d told Mom-Mom he was coming over for movie and dinner. We had a totally awesome time! Our grandson was thrilled to be a big brother. I don’t think he stopped smiling once.
Around 8, the reunion began to break up. There’s always a lot of noise with everyone chit-chatting at the door and, unfortunately, that’s when our grandson’s phone rang. He answered it without thinking. It was Mom-Mom and she could hear all the background noise. She went totally ballistic.
We were all like popped balloons.
Since then, none of us have been able to contact him. We’ve all left messages and texts on his phone, instant messaged him on Facebook, and left messages on his page. Nothing. We believe that Mom-Mom and his uncle have forbidden any contact with any of us.
You might wonder: but he’s 18 now and an adult, what’s up with that? When he was 8 years old, his dad got him into quarter-midget racing. We used to go to the Atco Racetrack to support him in his heats. Racing became a passion with him, and his father encouraged it. After his father died, his uncle took up the lead and our grandson races slingshot race cars in PA as well as NJ.
Maintaining a race car is very expensive. They are in constant need of maintenance, and frequently have blown engines or other needed expensive repairs. Our grandson belongs to a family team of racers and most of the expense is covered by sponsors. I did have one phone call the day after the disastrous end to the reunion from him, and he told me Mom-Mom and his uncle threatened to throw him off the racing team if he dared contact any of us. He couldn’t deal with it.
We couldn’t ask him to give up racing. We can’t afford to support the sport he loves so much.
We’re in a quandary right now. We don’t want to make things worse for our grandson, especially since the Supreme Court deemed that grandparents don’t have rights. Thing is, that had to do with a parent’s right to decide who the child sees. But our grandson lives with Mom Mom, his grandmother.
There’s another issue at play too. Although he is 18, our grandson has pervasive developmental disorder not other specified (PDD-NOS). He is so bright in many ways but in other areas, he’s delayed. He’s been trying to get a job to help support himself but it hasn’t been easy for him. If he had a vocational counselor, I’m sure it would help but that family resists reaching out for any kind of assistance.
I wish we could just grab him and take him home with us, get him into trade school and get him involved with a vocational counselor.
And we’re heart-broken.
There are some cases in which grandparents do have access. Read Katie Couric’s article (URL above) if you are in a situation and want to learn more.
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