Mourning Glory

This is the beginning of a story I began writing after my first husband's death.  I got a little further with it and had to stop.  I was still grieving.  I was thinking about picking it up again but the problem is my idea was to have my character experience multiple worlds, as if her husband hadn't passed away.  Not too long ago, I read The Midnight Library by Matt Haig and realized the similarities.  So, I don't know what to do.  I might change it to a Dark Shadows fan fic.

Anyway, here is the beginning of the story.  Only the names have been changed to protect family members.

Anne’s eyes opened wide in the dim bedroom.  Sleepily befuddled, she wondered where her husband Rob was.  His heart was skipping beats again last night and he’d decided to stay downstairs to watch TV, she recalled, rolling hurriedly to look at the clock.  It was almost exactly 5:30, which was when Rob would get up every morning to start making lunches with their son, RJ.  Beep beep.  That was RJ’s alarm going off now.  Anne sat up abruptly and swung her legs over the side of the bed.  I have to get downstairs before RJ, she thought. 

Anne felt sick with dread as she stumbled, still sleepy, into the hall and to the staircase. RJ reached the head of the stairs before his mother and began racing down.  Her legs were as heavy as split logs as she began to descend the stairs. She wanted to run but her body would not respond.  In spite of the feeling of foreboding, she became frozen to the step when RJ cried out:  “Mom, Mom, I can’t wake Dad!”

You should have taken him to the doctor last night, she berated herself as numbness began to spread from her feet to her knees and on up her legs.  Inexplicably, she could make herself run now. This is all your fault.  Another part of me answered the accusation.  It can’t be.  Rob probably just fainted.  That’s all.  

RJ blocked her way now, running up to meet his mother as she came down.  Time slowed it was if they were moving at warp speed – but in slow motion.  “Mom, do you know CPR?”  His face was ashen with shock.

CPR?  She’d seen it done on television many times but had never actually performed it herself.  “Call 911,” she told RJ.

As he turned to run to the phone, Anne got her first look at Rob.  His face was gray, arms and legs splayed out as if he was sleeping.  Let him just be unconscious, God, please!  Anne prayed silently as she knelt beside Rob, looking into his face.  She didn’t need to touch him to know that he was gone.  His eyes were closed, his lips parted slightly.  He might have been asleep except that his forehead was a mottled purple.  The blood pooled there, she thought to herself.  She’d taken a mystery writing course and had learned about pooling blood after death.

“Rob, no!”  She cried out.  She could hear RJ on the phone, rattling off information to the dispatcher.  He was on the verge of tears, yet he remained composed enough to give all the important details. 

Mechanically, Anne leaned over to pinch Rob’s nose and cover his lips with hers.  He was colder than anything she’d ever touched before.  She knew he was gone already but wasn’t prepared for RJ to know right now.  He’d only just turned 14.  Anne paused and her breath came whistling out of Rob’s mouth like an irritated sigh.  Did he resent having his body disturbed like that?  She crossed my hands just below his ribs and pushed.  There was another protesting sigh.

“Mom, is that how you do CPR?”  RJ asked from behind.

She had no idea.

“Aren’t you supposed to be higher?”

She positioned her hands slightly higher, not wanting RJ to see this.  “Listen, go outside and wait for the ambulance while I work on Daddy,” she said to him.  He seemed relieved to bolt out the door.  Now she could relax.  She sat back on my heels and gently caressed Rob’s cheek, her eyes blurring with tears.

“What went wrong, Rob?  It’s not supposed to end like this,” she told him through her tears.  For almost 14 years they’d both known that his sudden death might happen at anytime but she was still unprepared for it.  It just wasn’t fair.  I should have called the doctor back, she thought.  A siren screamed, shattering the quiet.  The ambulance was close.  She realized I wouldn’t have much time left with Rob.  She brushed at his hair gently.

“Do you guys know CPR?”  RJ asked, opening the front door.  Anne looked up and saw two policemen.  The ambulance hadn’t arrived yet, but she could hear more wailing sirens approaching.  “Can you save my dad?”

Anne stood up slowly, not wanting RJ to have to watch.  She’d learned to detach herself from her feelings years ago, growing up with alcoholic parents. Drawing in a deep cleansing breath, she said calmly, “Listen, RJ, I need you to take your sisters across the street for me.”  

RJ looked at his mother with wide, stunned eyes as she added as an afterthought to the policemen, “Would you excuse me?  I’m sending the children across the street.”  

Anne’s feelings had to be left behind if she was to function.  She watched herself walk past the policemen to go upstairs.  The men moved back respectfully.  Anne found her daughters awake and terrified, crying, already fully dressed.  She put her arms around both of them and they clung to her.

“What’s going on?”  asked her older daughter, Sarah, who was 12.

“Dad needs to go to the hospital,” she explained calmly.

“Is he going to be all right?”  Ashley asked, tears rolling down her cheeks.  She’d inherited her tall gene from Rob.  At 9, she was almost as tall as Sarah.

“I don’t know,” their mother answered.  She didn’t like lying to them but wasn’t ready to tell them their father was gone.  “I need you two to go across the street with RJ to Mrs. Larson’s house.  I’m going to have to go with Dad to the hospital.  So let’s go down quickly, okay?”

She led them down the stairs.  RJ was standing in the hallway, tears welling in his eyes as he watched the newly-arrived EMTs beginning to work on Rob.  “Go—now,” I said to the kids and all three of them scurried out the door.  “I just need to call my neighbor,” I said to one of the officers, darting by them to pick up the phone.

Anne trembled slightly as she fumbled with the phone.  He must think I’m out of my mind, she thought.  It’s so obvious that Rob is gone and here they have to keep working on him because I called 911.  I had to protect the children, though, and there’s nothing more I can do to help Rob.

Vicki Larson picked up on the second ring.  “What’s happening?”  she asked. 

 “Listen, Terri, the kids are on their way over.  They need to stay with you, all right?”

“Of course,” Terri answered immediately.  “Is everything all right?”

“No,” I mumbled into the phone.  “It’s Rob—he’s gone.”  She hesitated as Vicki gasped and then added, “The children don’t know yet.  I know we have to go to the hospital. I’ll tell the kids when I get back.”  She hung up with Vicki’s assurances she’d watch the kids as long as necessary.

One of the policemen approached her as she hung up.  “Ma’am, come on with me,” he urged softly, taking my elbow.  “Let’s go in the kitchen.  Can I get you anything?”

“It doesn’t look good,” an EMT said, looking up at Anne. 

She couldn’t see Rob anymore.  He was surrounded by EMTs.  Another EMT was on the radio, talking to the emergency personnel at the hospital.  “You don’t have to be careful with me,” she said to the first EMT.  “I know he’s already gone.”

The policeman led Anne into the kitchen and pulled out a chair for her to sit on.  “Can I get you anything?” he asked again.

“Maybe some coffee,” Anne answered vaguely, wondering how anything could possibly help her feel better.   Still, she was used to drinking an entire pot of coffee over the morning hours.  “I’ll make it.”

“No, ma’am, that’s all right.  You stay where you are and I’ll make it,” he said.  Gratefully, Anne sat back down.  It was odd to watch her body move and hear her voice speak from so far away.  Is this an out of body experience?  She wondered irreverently.

As the policeman made the coffee, she automatically launched into the first of many retellings of what she would later call “The Story.”  By the time she got to finding Rob on the floor, her feelings slammed back into her body and she began to cry.  As her body began to quake with the shock of what happened, the policeman said nervously, “Listen, ma’am, you have to take it easy, okay?  Don’t fall apart—it’s not easy, but you have to be strong.  You’re going to have to make a lot of decisions today and your kids need you.”

Of course!  That was the way it had always been.  She needed to put her feelings on the backburner for now.  She nodded at his words and took a deep breath to pull herself back together.  The policeman placed a steaming cup of coffee gently into her hands.  Automatically, she sipped at it.  The familiar perked scent and the bitter taste provided some comfort that some things were still normal.

One of the EMTs came into the kitchen.  “We’re ready to go,” he announced.  He looked at Anne.  “Do you want to come with us?”

“Of course!”  Anne snapped irritably, misunderstanding. 

“I’ll take her,” the policeman put in quickly.

Anne suddenly remembered all the pills that Rob took.  “The prescriptions!  Should I bring them?” 

“I can get them,” the policeman volunteered.  “Are they in the bathroom?”

“No, under my desk,” Anne answered.  She got up and went into the dining room.  Her desk was in the adjoining living room where Rob was lying.

“Uh, we don’t need to do that,” the policeman said from behind but Anne was moving too fast.  She realized he was trying to spare her the sight of the EMTs struggling to get poor Rob on the stretcher. 

He won’t fit, Anne wanted to warn them.  The words wouldn’t come though, so she bent over to retrieve the bag of prescriptions.  They’d just had them filled by mail order.  There must be hundreds and hundreds of pills in here, Anne thought.  Would the hospital want them so they don’t go to waste?  I’m sure someone needs these things …

The policeman moved in front of Anne so that she couldn’t see what was happening in the living room.  “Let’s just wait a minute until they all get out the door,” he suggested.

Thank God for understanding cops, Anne thought.  Once the EMTs cleared the door, he took her elbow again and led her outside.  As the medics tried to lift the stretcher into the ambulance, she got a quick brief glimpse of her husband.  His face was pasty gray in this early morning light.  His eyes were still closed, his arms outflung.  Curious neighbors were approaching.  Through the window across the street, I could see Mrs. Larson and RJ watching.

Anne and the policeman trotted to his car.  She got in beside him and looked down at the ground as we pulled away.  She didn’t want to see her neighbors right now. 

Was there any conversation in the car?  She didn’t know.   The hospital they drove to was small and served the immediate community.  The last time he was hospitalized, a month ago, he’d been in a teaching hospital.

The ambulance arrived moments before the squad car did.  Anne watched nurses and doctor swarm around ambulance as the EMTs struggled to get the stretcher out and onto the pavement.  She closed her eyes as the patrol car slowed down to wait.  The policeman waited for everyone to go into the emergency bay before dropping Anne off just outside the door for family members. 

“Thanks,” Anne said automatically as she got out of the car.  She fought off waves of dizziness and nausea.  She was out of her body again, watching herself walk stiffly into the emergency waiting room.  The joints in her arms and legs felt frozen.  She imagined that she looked like the Tin Man from “The Wizard of Oz”.  She needed an oil can too.

“Excuse me,” she said softly to the woman behind the window.

“Yes,” she replied.  “Just have a seat and the doctors will call you.”

Anne thought she should call my brother-in-law, Rob’s brother Dan.  Maybe the police would give her a ride home but she couldn’t be sure.  Besides, the family needed to know.  She looked up at the clock as she placed her call.  It’s almost seven, she marveled to herself.  Almost an hour!  She hoped Dan was awake.

He answered almost immediately.  It was one of the few times she’d ever talked to him on the phone and she couldn’t tell if he was sleepy or wide awake.  He always sounded the same.  Her voice faltered a little as she explained where she was.  “RJ and I found Rob on the floor,” Anne continued.  “This is bad, Dan.  I’m sure he’s already gone.”

For a moment, Dan didn’t say anything.  “I’ll call Dad,” he finally answered.  “I’ll be there in a little bit to pick you up.”

No sooner did Anne hang up the phone when a nurse appeared and called her name.  Numbly, she followed her to a small office.  “Please sit down,” she said gently.  She had something in her hand and took Anne’s in the other.  She pressed Rob’s wedding ring into Anne’s palm and she totally broke down. 

He’d never ever taken off the wedding ring – ever.  Anne remembered the indentation of the ring on his finger.  It looked like it hurt and so she’d say, why don’t you take it off?  He’d always just give her a sidelong glance and smile.  “I don’t want to,” he’d say.  The only way Anne could be holding it now was if Rob was really, truly dead.  That is when the realization hit her that yes, he’s really gone forever.

The nurse handed Anne a tissue and patted her arm.

“Can I see him?”  Anne asked.

“Of course,” she said kindly.  “You can go in a minute.  I just wanted you to understand that the doctors had to act when your husband was brought here.  There’s a tube in his throat.”

“Okay,” Anne said, wondering why they had to do that if Rob was already dead.

“Do you want to go see him now?”

“Yes,” she answered and then remembered something.  “Rob wanted to be an organ donor.  Is that still possible?”

The nurse looked surprised and then said, “It’s too late for the major organs, but he can still donate his eyes, his skin, muscle tissue, and bones.  Do you want to do that?”

“Yes,” Anne whispered.  “He would have wanted it.”  I’m going to make sure your wishes are fulfilled, Rob.  As many as I can.

The nurse walked her into the room and then left quietly.  Anne stood looking at Rob for a moment.  He was covered to the neck with a sheet.  He still looked as if he was sleeping but now there was a tube in his throat and some plastic piece taped down across his mouth.  “I wish they hadn’t done that to you,” she whispered apologetically.

She reached out to touch his cheek.  His flesh was as hard and cold as a block of stone.  Her stomach turned, remembering someone once told her there was no way to describe how cold a dead person felt.  I’ve never touched anything so cold, so devoid of life, Anne thought.  Rob’s skin was colder even than ice cubes from their freezer. 

She moved my fingers from his cheek to his hair, smoothing it back.  “I’m so sorry I left you alone, Rob,” she said in a whisper as if she was afraid she’d disturb his sleep. “I should have called the doctor back.  I didn’t know this would happen.”  Grief and guilt surged through Anne’s body as her eyes filled with tears. 

She leaned over to kiss Rob’s cheek.  She never would have tried to kiss any other loved one who’d died.  She would not have been able to endure the icy coldness of anyone else, but this was her Rob -- the man she’d loved for 18 years.  How could she not kiss him?  Anne began to talk to him then, telling him how much she’d loved him and would always love him.  She reminisced lovingly about the last time they went to the beach … it was Easter Sunday, just before Rob fainted at work.

Anne heard the door open as she kissed Rob again. She half turned and saw Dan slowly closing the door behind him, staring wide-eyed at Rob.  He had a horrified look on his face … either from the shock of seeing his dead brother or perhaps he’d seen her kiss Rob and he was repulsed.  She couldn’t tell; he didn’t speak.

“Do you want to say goodbye to him?”  Anne asked.

“No!” Dan exclaimed, shaking his head vehemently.

She turned and quite deliberately kissed Rob again.  “Goodbye for now, my love,” she said lovingly.  Feeling lightheaded, Anne paused to take a deep cleansing breath.  None of this felt real.  Anne didn’t feel real either.   She watched herself straighten up and tell Dan she was ready to go now.