February 26, 1972
Dear Eddie,
I have decided to go to the one place I know you won’t follow me and finally I will be free of you.
I really did love you once, you know. I remember thinking you were the handsomest man I’d ever seen, and I couldn’t believe it when you told me you thought I was beautiful. You were wonderful to me in the beginning, so romantic and considerate. When did it all begin to change?
I think it was when we moved away from our hometown and you didn’t have to worry about what my family and friends thought of what you were doing. Going to the club and drinking was the beginning of it. It didn’t help that I liked to drink too, first because I was too lonely not to and later because I needed it to endure the day. The gambling came next, and I never knew from paycheck to paycheck if we would have enough money to pay the rent or to buy food for the kids and me. The first time you hit me you cried and said you were sorry, but soon that stopped. I think it was because I had no relatives or friends to see or stick up for me.
What I don’t understand is why you can’t let me go in peace? We have not really loved each other for years. We hardly touch. We sleep in separate bedrooms. Why would you miss me if I left? And yet, every time I try to go, you follow me. You drove away any friends I was able to make because when I turned to them for help you would show up and make such an ugly scene, I would have to go with you. I would be too embarrassed to face these friends again and so it came to this point, where I only have you and yet I can stand to be with you no longer. Even the pills the doctor gave me to ease my ‘change of life’ depression doesn’t numb the desperation I feel to get away.
I know that you will follow me if I go back home to my sister. I don’t want to lose her love or friendship. I know that you will follow me if I go to our children and I want to spare them the pain of seeing your anger against them and me. No matter where I go you will find me somehow and find some way to bring me back. But I have finally found a place that I can go where you will not follow because no matter how much you say you love me, you will not want to go here. I will be finally free and at rest.
I waited until I knew you were leaving for the club to play ‘guts’ with the other members. I didn’t object when you took our checkbook even though I know in the past you’ve thrown blank unsigned checks into the kitty. I know you will not return until the morning and the first thing you will notice is that all of your whiskey bottles are empty. Maybe you’ll see the empty pill bottles in the trash can, all of the pills I didn’t take even though the doctor kept prescribing them. You will be very angry and you will look for me and you will find me, holding this picture of the two of us when we were happy close to my heart. You will find this note in my hand and if there is mercy in this world, you will read this note and know that I am gone. I will be in the place of happy memories, where you and I were once young and loved each other.
Your Maggie
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