I Am Not In Step With My Companions

I have been an advocate for almost all my life.  I don’t like it when anyone is put down for any reason.  I hate racism and bigotry.  I feel compelled to stick up for kids, people with disabilities, and people who are disparaged because they are “other” for whatever reason: religion, skin color, sexual preference.  The reality is that I’m really different.  I am other too.

I remember that when I was little and lived on Long Island, I didn’t feel different except that my parents couldn’t hear.  I used to have the magical thinking that everyone’s parents were like mine, speaking with their voices outside but signing inside.  When I was about 6 or 7, I was rudely clued into the fact we were different when neighborhood kids chanted outside my bedroom window “Cassie’s mother is deaf and dumb!” I was furious and hurt but also was surrounded by a large loving family. 

My Grandma was my first hero.  She loved me unconditionally and was a comfort to me.  I felt mostly protected, accepted and loved but began to carry that little bit of “I’m really different” with me.

Once we moved to Maryland, I lost connection with family and friends.  The biggest loss was a daily connection to my precious Grandma.  In Baltimore, the neighborhood kids grudgingly allowed my brother and me into their circle but never let us forget how different we were.  Our parents were constantly accused of being spies because their outdoor voices weren’t intelligible…not like other hearing parents’ voices.

My parents discovered a Deaf social club and that is when the drinking began.  My brother and I had experienced DV from our mother all along.  She had an undiagnosed mental health problem with mood swings and rages.  With the drinking and battling that went on with my parents, home became a place where my brother and I walked on egg shells.

Now I felt so apart from others, I began to withdraw.  I did not form any close friendships because I didn’t want to bring a pal home to an unstable situation.  I also found it hard to put trust in people.  That is still an issue with me to this day and probably the major reason I’m so different.  I have friends but keep them at a distance.  I don’t confide secrets the way I’ve seen in films about friendships.  I keep things light, safe, and even further at a distance: my friends are all online, living in other states.

When I was about 11 or 12, I discovered the gothic soap opera “Dark Shadows.” I was one of the kids who’d run home after school to make sure I was there in time to watch the show.  I became hooked on it because of Barnabas Collins, the self-tortured vampire.  The first reason I connected with Barnabas was because of the dreadful secret he was hiding from everyone.  Later on, he was cured and became my hero because of how much he cared for and helped other people.  I began to see him as an imaginary big brother. Barnabas became my second hero.

The third hero was my 11^th grade English teacher, who saw something in me and reached out. Privately, she confided that her father was a Korean War veteran who’d come back changed and had become an alcoholic.  Her home life was chaotic.  Then she asked about me and my home life.  I wanted to tell her.  I wanted to so badly but that “don’t tell” rule was too strong.  I went red in the face and felt the beginnings of a panic attack as I stuttered that I was fine and my family was fine.  I saw understanding in her eyes and then she said she would always be there whenever I wanted to talk.

I never opened up to her but she was my hero because she reached out to me, a kid in need.  She cared.  That meant so much to me.

Over the years, I’ve had a lot of therapy and attended a lot of twelve step meetings.  I learned so much about myself and my issues.  I learned that some of my coping mechanisms were dysfunctional and how to change them.  The meetings online and in person are a source of comfort to me because I feel as if I’m with people who “get” me and I “get” them. If I was to bond with anyone in deep friendship, it would be someone from one of those meetings. However, we all keep things anonymous and even with people who “get” me, I’m anxious about totally opening up.

I’ve let down my protective wall a lot but I still keep people at a distance, even the friends of over 30 years.  I have come to the conclusion that it’s so ingrained and emblazoned in me it’s just become a part of me.  I like who I am now but that is my one regret.

This is my favorite poem: 

If a man does not keep pace with his companions,

Perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.

Let him step to the music which he hears,

However measured or far away.

Stephen Crane

 

 

 

For Your Sunday Reading Pleasure: "Christian" Nationalism

 

The religious right used to support Republicans for their stands on “moral” issues that were important to them.  Now, though, they support Rethuglicans just to keep them in power and to try and establish a theocracy.  It doesn’t matter what sins Rethuglicans engage in; the point is to gain control of Congress.  So, they support the treasonous former guy and candidates like Hershel Walker, J.D. Vance and other outrageous people running for any office with power.

Hershel Walker is the former football player running for the Senate, to represent Georgia. The incumbent is an actual Christian, Rev. Warnock.  Walker’s talk has been all exaggeration and lies.  He claimed to be a total opponent of abortion.  That alone would appeal to the religious right but, more importantly, he was a Rethuglican.  So, when truths were revealed about his lies and hypocrisy, they rallied around him anyway instead of condemning him.  He was exposed as an irresponsible father, impregnating women and then abandoning them to care for the children he helped create.  He paid for at least one to have an abortion.  Say what! So much for his right to life proclamation.

Paying for abortion should have been a deal breaker for "Christians", but it wasn’t.  It didn’t matter to the religious right that they already had a real Christian practicing minister in place. The only thing that mattered was getting Warnock elected.  What hypocrites the religious right are exposing themselves to be.  But they don’t care.

I am angry about the way Christian teachings and beliefs have been hijacked and twisted not only by the religious right but now by fascist leaning “Christian” nationalists.  Those people have entangled themselves in the Bible but mostly from the Old Testament.  Some of the angriest and rigid verses are found there.  There is some negativity in the New Testament but Jesus’ teachings revolved around love, kindness and care for each other. 

I am not a devout quoter of the Bible and I don’t remember which book in the NT this story comes from but there was a passage in which Jesus was saying that he’d been turned away when he was in need.  His followers were upset and protested that they’d always tried to meet Jesus’ needs.  His answer (my paraphrasing) was that every time they turned away someone who needed shelter, didn’t share food with someone hungry, didn’t care for the sick, didn’t care for children, and acted with prejudice/racism against foreigners, they were actually turning Jesus away.  His basic teaching was to love God above all and to love your neighbor as you love yourself. 

Think about it.  Think about the things you do for yourself to meet your needs.  Then think of the homeless vets living under bridges, immigrants fleeing for their lives from a violent country, hungry children in families that can’t afford to buy all the food they need and are struggling just to keep afloat…the list goes on and on.  There is much we can do to “feed my people” as Jesus asked.

These days, it seems only Democrats and some Independents are willing to do this.  Rethuglican legislators vote against every single piece of legislation that would address the needs of most people in this country.  Rethuglicans are no longer asking themselves WWJD.  They are asking themselves: what must we do to gain the power to control everyone?

Daily Sound & Fury recently had a very good article about why fascist leaning politicians and voters have glommed onto “Christian” nationalism.  I highly recommend reading it.  Sadly, the people who NEED to read this most likely or definitely would not. 

There’s another article from MSNBC Opinion that is also very good at explaining how and why Christianity is blended with nationalism.  From this article, I learned a new term: dominionism.  What is that? The article defined it this way: “Dominionism specifically calls for Christians to reclaim the “seven mountains of dominion” in society for God: family, religion, education, media, entertainment, business and government. “

This is serious, scary business.  I absolutely do not want “Christian” nationalists controlling the education of my great grandchildren, nor do I want them involved anywhere else except for their own churches.  I do not want a country with one religion only.  That is fascism.  And when you mix in the white supremacists and extremists, it becomes Nazism.

Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest.  As for me, I am joining two phone banks.  One is for my own representative, Andy Kim, and the other is for swing states/close races across the country.  This is how I can fight back against the extremists.  I can vote.  I’m not feeling very optimistic today but I will keep fighting.

We All Need A Mental Health Day

On Saturday, my husband, daughter and I went to one of our favorite parks.  The weather was beautiful, and some of the trees’ leaves have begun to change colors.  We walked on trails and along a lake for about an hour.  Then, a little tired but happy, we went to Chili’s for lunch.

I didn’t think about all the cruddy things going on in the country or the world.  Not once.  My feel-good endorphins were flowing and I felt so much at peace.  It was like being at the beach, sitting on the sand watching the waves roll in, smelling the salt spray, and listening to the sounds of incoming waves.  It was a much-needed break from reality.

I’ve been seeing a lot of articles lately focusing on mental health days and why they are so important.  In fact, today is World Mental Health Day.  About a week ago, I read an article about the survey CNN and Kaiser Family Foundation conducted.  A whopping 90% of Americans believe we’re experiencing a mental health crisis.  Sadly, I wasn’t surprised the percentage was so high, that nearly every single person is under stress for some reason.  It could be because of covid or the threat of democracy or fear of not being able to manage because of rising prices. 

Some stressors and anxieties can’t be dealt with so easily.  In terms of the threat to democracy, our power is in the vote.  We have to hope enough people care enough about preserving our Constitution to vote.  It’s a lingering stressor/anxiety.  That’s why we need mental health days, to clear our minds of all the negative crap.

For us, a wonderful break is to go into nature, either to a park or to the beach.  Talking about the negative stuff is verboten while we’re on this brief mental health vacation.  When we have to return to reality, we’re a little more energized.

Here’s another good article about taking a mental health break.

Leaving you with some photos from our walk at the park.