This is the first half of a Dark Shadows fanfic I wrote years ago. I have a lot of running around to do today so I thought I would share this today, mostly because I won't get much writing time.
When Elizabeth opened her eyes, she was a little frightened because she was in the dark and couldn't see. It reminded her very much of the time she'd been under Cassandra's spell. The only difference was that she could move now. In fact, she felt as if she were floating. It was a very odd sensation; the last thing she'd remembered seeing was the stricken face of her daughter Carolyn bending over her. A soft glow began to illuminate the room. With surprise, Elizabeth realized she was in a hospital room. There was something strange about her perspective, though...
As the light became brighter, Elizabeth realized why her it seemed so strange.
She was up, on the ceiling practically, looking down at the objects in the
room. There was a form lying on the bed below. I think that's me, Elizabeth
thought in a detached way.
The bright light was becoming quite distracting. Elizabeth realized that someone
was walking toward her, and she peered closely, trying to see who it was. To
her great pleasure, she saw it was her mother. She hadn't seen Mama since the
night she'd died in the accident, when Elizabeth was just six years old. Her
mother looked youthful, beautiful, the same as she had that evening when she'd
kissed Elizabeth goodbye and promised to return someday.
"I've come for you," her mother said, "just as I promised,
darling."
Elizabeth wanted to go to her. It had been so long, too long, since she'd felt
the embrace of love from her mother. She had given many hugs and kisses to her
daughter, to her brother, and to the rest of her family, but she had always
keenly missed the hugs of her own mama. Still, Elizabeth hesitated.
"Elizabeth?" her mother asked quietly. She stretched her arms out.
"Mama, I want to go with you," Elizabeth said hesitantly, "but I
can't."
"But it's time, my darling," her mother replied softly.
"I have a feeling Carolyn needs me," Elizabeth said.
"Yes, but there is nothing else you can do for her," her mother
replied sadly. "You won't be able to help her by hanging on. It will only
prolong her pain."
Still Elizabeth hesitated. It was inexplicable. She felt she should go, it WAS
time, but there was an irresistible tug on her sleeve. "But I must
try," Elizabeth said finally. "I must at least see her before I come
with you."
"That is the usual way, of course," her mother said mildly. "I
did not want to go, either. I came to you in the middle of the night."
"Yes, I remember."
"Then do as you must, darling. Perhaps there is something I can do to help
you with Carolyn. There are many guardians here. I will consult with them, and
then I will return, my darling." The light began to go out as Ruth Collins
faded away. Elizabeth felt incredibly lonely. She expected to return into her
own body; she'd heard of these types of experiences. However, that didn't
happen. She floated, feeling confused and unhappy.
She began to sense the approach of another. With joy, she realized her mother
had returned. "Elizabeth, many wonderful things happen here, what we would
call miracles. We will help Carolyn and that will help you find peace as well.
You need to move on, yet you are not able to. What is wrong?"
Elizabeth felt very confused. "I feel that I have to help Carolyn
somehow," she explained.
"You aren't able to help her in your worldly body. I am sorry, but you
were too seriously ill--a stroke, I believe your friend Dr. Hoffman said. You
wouldn't ever be able to speak to her," Ruth explained. Elizabeth felt
that this was something she knew already, and she felt a sense of despair.
Sensing this, Ruth went on, "Maybe you can communicate with Carolyn from
this plane. I would be happy to help you do that."
"Oh, I would be so grateful," Elizabeth said hopefully.
"Allow your self to become completely free of your body so that you are
free to join with me and others of your family."
It was easier than Elizabeth thought possible. She imagined reeling out a long,
fragile line, almost like an umbilical cord, and then she was no longer in the
hospital room. She knew she wasn't speaking or hearing, yet somehow both seemed
to be happening. She sensed the presence of others about her, and she felt
content for the moment.
"Why don't you tell me about Carolyn so that I might understand how to
help you," Ruth prompted. The words were like comforting feelings of
warmth and support.
Elizabeth focused her thoughts toward her mother, trying to explain that her
concern for Carolyn actually went much further back, far back to the death of
her son-in-law, Jeb.
*****************************************************************
For a long, long time, Carolyn was withdrawn and silent in her grief. Elizabeth
could only watch helplessly, trying to comfort her daughter but unable to reach
her in the depths of her despair. Elizabeth turned to Maggie Shaw for help, but
since her marriage to Sebastian Carolyn had politely but effectively avoided
her old friend.
Carolyn was unable to sleep; she took to walking for long periods of time
through the woods at all times of the night. Although there hadn't been any
attacks for a long period of time, Elizabeth and Roger worried and tried to
advise her not to go out alone. Sometimes Carolyn's temper would flare and she
would explode in anger.
"Julia, I don't know what to do," Elizabeth confided helplessly.
"She really hasn't had much time to accept all of this," Julia
explained, trying to be helpful. "Grief is something that can't be
measured. So much time goes by and then you should be 'over it.' Usually it
takes at least six months to a year before someone begins to recover from a
loss like Carolyn's suffered."
"She's always had such a hard time," Elizabeth exclaimed. "I
feel as though I should've protected her better!"
Julia patted Elizabeth's arm comfortingly. "You've done the best you
possibly could. All you can do is be with her. Would you like me to try to talk
to her? Perhaps I can give her something to treat her depression so that she is
able so sleep a little easier at night."
"Please," Elizabeth replied gratefully.
But Carolyn had rejected Julia coldly. "I don't need to be drugged
up," she snapped. "There is nothing wrong with the way I feel. I
loved Jeb. I SHOULD be sad!"
Elizabeth mentioned her concern to Barnabas, too. "I worry about her because
of her insomnia. She gets up in the middle of the night and just goes out. I
wish she would wake me and talk to me. Maybe then I could help her. I don't
know where she goes. I worry something might happen to her." Barnabas
listened quietly and sympathetically, keeping his own counsel. He suspected
where Carolyn might be going.
"I am up frequently in the night as you know," Barnabas said. "I
will try to watch for her, as will Willie."
Elizabeth had mixed feelings about that. "WILLIE?" she asked doubtfully,
her voice scaling up a little.
"Willie is not the person he was," Barnabas said.
Elizabeth didn't feel reassured.
One night, Elizabeth got up to find Carolyn already gone. She went down to the
kitchen and put on a pot of water to boil. She sat down to wait. Two cups of
tea later, the kitchen door opened and Carolyn walked in with Barnabas. Carolyn
looked grim and when she saw her mother, an irritated expression crossed her
face. "Mother, you shouldn't be up," Carolyn complained.
"I couldn't sleep, either," Elizabeth explained. "I looked for
you, hoping you might keep me company."
Carolyn grimaced. "Well, Barnabas FOUND me, thank you very much." She
looked from Barnabas to Elizabeth. "Well?" she demanded in a
challenging way. "Don't you want to know where he found me?"
Elizabeth didn't know quite what to say. "Well, not if you don't want to
tell me," she said finally, looking at Barnabas.
"Well, I was at Widow's Hill!" Carolyn said defiantly. She looked at
Barnabas and snapped, "And I had no intention of jumping, either!"
"I didn't for a moment think you were," Barnabas said soothingly,
reaching out toward Carolyn in a motion of compassion. But Carolyn was angry
and jerked away.
"There's nothing wrong with my going there!" she insisted. "I
don't need you following me around like I'm some hopeless case!"
"Carolyn, I assure you that was not my intent at all," Barnabas
explained. "As I told you, I only happened to be out walking myself.
Please, Carolyn, you must remember that this is not unusual for me. I have been
a nocturnal wanderer ever since I arrived here. Surely you must remember
that."
Carolyn began to look mollified. "Yes, that's true," she conceded at
last. She looked at her mother and said, exasperated, "It's just that no
one seems to understand that I need to be alone to think!"
"Carolyn, I do understand," Elizabeth said earnestly. "I only
wish that you would reconsider going out alone in the dark."
"Oh, Mother, please, don't start," Carolyn said, instantly irritable
again.
Elizabeth immediately backed off. She didn't want to alienate her daughter.
"Would you like some tea, darling? Barnabas?"
"Thank you, I believe I will," Barnabas said agreeably. After a
moment, Carolyn nodded in agreement. They made pleasant small talk and Carolyn
even began to smile after a while.
"This is something you didn't know, my dear. Not only did I watch over
you, I watched over my little granddaughter, too. I was concerned for her, and
so I also looked to see how other members of the family were helping,"
Ruth explained.
In the early hours of the morning, Barnabas returned to the Old House. He was deeply concerned about Carolyn's depression in spite of her reassurances that she didn't plan to jump off Widow's Hill. Willie was just beginning to rake the ashes out of the fireplace, where embers just barely glowed. "Oh, hiya, Barnabas, kinda late, ain't it?" Willie said in greeting.
"Willie," Barnabas began, "I need you to do something for
me."
"Okay, sure," Willie said agreeably. "What is it?"
"I'm very worried about Carolyn," Barnabas explained. "I'd like
you to keep an eye on her for me as much as you possibly can.
Willie looked uncomfortable. He shifted his feet, rubbed the back of his neck.
"Well," he said finally, "sure I can do that for ya Barnabas,
but ya know me and Carolyn, we don't get along so good."
"I understand your past difficulties," Barnabas answered. "I
don't mean for you to make yourself obvious, following her around or trying to
talk to her. It's just that she keeps wandering up to Widow's Hill..." his
voice trailed off, and his face looked pained.
"Okay," Willie said, in a stronger, surer voice. "I'd be glad to
try and keep an eye on her. I know she's been really sad, and I wouldn't want
nothin to happen to her."
"Oh," Elizabeth suddenly understood. "Thank you for telling me
that. I never knew quite how it all started with Willie and Carolyn."
"It was a good thing, Elizabeth," Ruth responded reassuringly.
"I know how the family felt about Willie Loomis. He really was a no-good
scoundrel when he arrived in Collinsport. He went through some dramatic changes
for the better."
"Yes," Elizabeth agreed. "Hard to believe. I imagine Carolyn
realized he was following her?"
If it was possible to smile, Ruth did it, warmly. "Carolyn is a very
bright young woman," she said.
Carolyn was no happier the first time she ran into Willie than she had been to
meet Barnabas. She regarded him suspiciously. Willie, uncomfortable, tried to
think of something intelligent to say. Finally, he blurted, "I was just
missing Roxanne, my fiancee."
Carolyn wasn't expecting that. "Oh. Oh! You were going to marry her,
weren't you? What happened, Willie?"
"Oh, she just--well, she--ah, she just left me. She didn't wanna wait for
me."
"I'm sorry, Willie," Carolyn said with genuine sympathy.
"Thanks, Carolyn," Willie replied, smiling a little. "I mean,
ah, you don't hafta feel sorry. I mean, ah, with what happened to you an
all--" He broke off, realizing he might upset her, and looked away.
"It's all right, Willie," Carolyn said. "It's all right to talk
about Jeb. I can't NOT talk about him."
"Yeah, I know," Willie agreed. "Y'can't pretend like he was
never there. It's like it hurts to think about it but it hurts more not to
think about it." Carolyn stopped and looked at Willie closely, wide-eyed. Willie
blushed. "I'm sorry, Carolyn. I'm always sayin the wrong damn thing."
"Willie, you stop that!" Carolyn said, with feeling. "I'm not
upset! I just didn't think anyone understood how I felt!"
Willie looked at her in great surprise. Then he nodded his head slightly.
"So, ah, you wanna walk a ways together?" he asked.
"Yes, I would," Carolyn said.
They became friends. They walked together at night and during some afternoons,
too. Elizabeth fretted. She wasn't sure she approved. Willie had been such an unscrupulous
character; could he be trusted? She wished Barnabas wasn't away on business so
much; she wished Cousin Quentin would come back. Roger was very blunt about it.
"She'd be much better off with her cousins than that nefarious character!
I should speak to Barnabas about it!"
"No, no, Roger!" Elizabeth protested. "Carolyn is so sensitive.
She's befriended Willie. It wouldn't be right--"
Roger grumbled and poured himself a drink. "Why should she want to be
friends someone character like that, Liz? There are so many others so much
better suited for her!"
"She doesn't want that, Roger, she just wants a friend."
"Well, all right, then, there are so many others who would make more
suitable friends! Why can't Carolyn spend more time with Maggie?"
"I think Maggie's happiness with Sebastian upsets her. She also thought
that Sebastian looked too much like Jeb for comfort," Elizabeth explained.
"I am sure it is especially hard for her to be around Maggie, especially
now that Maggie is having a baby. I just hope Maggie really understands, as she
says she does."
"Well, that Loomis is nowhere near Carolyn's class and level of
breeding!" Roger continued to complain. Elizabeth agreed but decided to
keep silent.
"How very much like his grandfather Roger is," Ruth commented.
"It's surprising, really, because your grandfather really didn't go on
very much longer after the car accident. I suppose it was the shock of
everything that happened."
"So you've been watching us all these years?" Elizabeth asked,
wonderingly.
"More so in the beginning, before I was willingly to accept that much was
out of my control."
"I used to dream you were with me sometimes," Elizabeth said
wistfully.
"I was," Ruth said simply. "When I felt things were going well,
I could turn my attention elsewhere. One of those times was when I realized how
contented Carolyn was. I knew you were not content, but I have learned over the
years that some things must just be."
Elizabeth didn't answer. She wasn't quite sure she liked the idea.
Time passed. Carolyn announced she wanted a career; she wanted to take classes
at night. She didn't want anything to do with the cannery and was uninterested
in business. She wanted to teach preschool. She got a job at a preschool in
Rockport, and Willie drove her to and from work. Sometimes he'd take her to her
class and then pick her up. They'd go out for a drink and just talk. Elizabeth
wasn't sure what to make of it.
"I've come to realize that not only is Willie a good friend, he is also
safe," Elizabeth explained to Julia over tea.
"In what way?" Julia asked.
"Well, Carolyn has absolutely no interest in dating anyone and by being
with Willie as much as she is, no one will ask her out," Elizabeth
explained. "By the way, how is Barnabas? He looks rather ill."
Barnabas had only very recently stopped going on so many frequent day trips.
Once in a while, he came in the early morning for coffee or tea but looked
tired and pale.
"He's just recovering from a virus," Julia replied, and abruptly
switched back to the topic of Carolyn. "Do other people think they're
dating?"
"I don't think they know WHAT to think," Elizabeth replied, wryly
noting to herself that the same could be said of Julia and Barnabas.
"Willie's not possessive of her; he's as polite and proper as can be.
However, they are seen so often together that I am sure that people think they
are seeing each other."
"It's been almost four years since Jeb died," Julia remarked.
"It's a shame that she seems to show no interest in forming any permanent
attachments to anyone else."
Elizabeth raised her eyebrows and thought how ironic it was that Julia would
say such a thing. But then, one didn't know quite what was going on with Julia,
did one? "Perhaps she feels she'll never love anyone else."
"She's really not giving herself an opportunity to find out," Julia
said.
Elizabeth elected not to reply to that at all, and Julia moved on to another
topic. Roger fumed and complained about it as well. "It's not normal, it
really isn't, Liz! She's so young, and she has no social life!"
"I wouldn't say that," Elizabeth objected. "She does go out with
friends of hers from work and from school. She has begun visiting Maggie
again."
Roger glared. "Oh, Liz, you know what I'm talking about! Yes, she has
friends, and yes, she sees Maggie. She absolutely dotes on their little girl.
You see what a devoted godmother she is to Adrienne? She should be married
again and have children of her own!"
"Roger, look at you and me. Have we set such a good example? I think
Carolyn is living a more normal life than you or I did at her age."
That effectively shut Roger up.
Quentin returned after his extensive travels just before New Year's Eve of
1975, and he brought music and laughter with him. "He hadn't aged a
day," Elizabeth marvelled, remembering that the Shaws had invited several
friends to their home for a New Year's Eve party, including Quentin, who had
entertained everyone with his stories about travels around the country. He also
became joyously drunk and practically had to be carried inside the house by Willie
and Carolyn. "And, he didn't have a hangover, either."
"Hmm, I have a little surprise to share with you later," Ruth said
teasingly. "Our family is full of surprises. But tell me more--what
happened then?"
Carolyn had graduated and was now teaching in a Montessori preschool. She
wasn't having as much trouble sleeping anymore but still enjoyed early morning
walks and talks with Willie. They were taking coffee together on the drawing
room and had the radio playing nearby when Quentin came strolling by. He was
just coming in after a late night out partying. He was very cheerful and very
dishevelled.
"Quentin, you never change," Carolyn said, smiling in greeting.
"Don't you ever get tired? You have more energy than my three year old
class!"
"What are you saying here?" Quentin asked good humoredly.
Just then, a song by the Four Seasons came on the radio. Carolyn had heard it
before; it was a cute song, and she'd always liked Frankie Vallee's voice.
Quentin began dancing, moving easily to the music. "What's that?"
Carolyn asked. She'd never seen those steps before. She was used to the
freestyle "do your own thing" dancing of the 60s and early 70s.
"You've never seen this?" Quentin was surprised."Everyone's
doing it. Come here, I'll show you." He held his arms out, and Carolyn
jumped up, moving into his arms. Quentin pulled her close to him, and they
began moving around the room together. Willie realized, to both his surprise
and his dismay, that they looked graceful dancing together.
Carolyn was laughing. "Just follow me," Quentin said, whirling her
around. Then he pulled her close again, and they danced, hip to hip.
"What is this?" Carolyn asked, in delight.
"It's called 'the hustle'", Quentin explained.
Willie sat up straight. "HUH?" He knew what a hustle was, and they
didn't look like two cousins at the moment. He felt himself becoming irritable
and miserably jealous.
"It's really a big deal now," Quentin continued. "I really like
it because I really feel like I'm dancing again. It feels good to hold a woman
in your arms and dance romantically together, not three feet apart--you
know?" The song was coming to the end, and Quentin danced Carolyn back to
the sofa. He glanced at Willie's face and instantly understood clearly what
Willie was thinking.
"Willie, you try," Quentin urged.
"Nah, the song's OVER," Willie said grumpily.
"Well, I've got it upstairs. I'll bring down a record player."
Now Willie was a little alarmed. "I dunno how to do that dance,
Quentin!"
"It's easy," Quentin urged. "I can teach you!"
Willie opened his mouth to answer, but Carolyn cut in: "Oh, that's a great
idea! It really is a lot of fun, Willie!"
Willie shrugged. "Okay, Carolyn, sure," he said agreeably.
Quentin bounded off to find a portable record player and his 45 of the song. He
returned with the record player, the record, and a very sleepy David. David was
in his first year of college and usually slept in on Saturdays. He was very
curious to find out why his cousin had burst into his room and torn it apart,
looking for the record player. Quentin set up the record to play and then said
to Willie, "Look, just come and stand next to me. Follow my feet, okay?
Ever done any ballroom dancing?"
"What, are you kidding?" Willie exclaimed. The music started again,
and Quentin began moving. Willie began copying his movements, very tentatively
at first.
"Oh, yeah, I've seen that," David exclaimed, interested. "Not to
that song, though."
"You can do this dance to just about anything," Quentin said.
"Come on, David!" David joined Willie on the other side. Carolyn
clapped her hands in delight. Willie loosened up. It felt kind of natural to
him.
Quentin picked the needle up and moved it to the beginning of the song again.
"Now, you dance with Carolyn. You lead--that means she'll follow you, so
her steps will mirror yours-- you see?"
Willie nodded, and eagerly held his arms out to Carolyn. Quentin started the
music again. "Oh what a night, late December back in '63. What a very
special time for me. As I remember, what a night," Willie heard in his
head as he moved to the music. He'd heard the song before and knew what it was
about, but it had an entirely different meaning now. He really felt like he was
floating. Willie was looking at Carolyn, and she was looking back at him. He
felt like he was falling down into her eyes, and the words resounded loudly in
his head. "...She was everything I dreamed she'd be...I felt a rush like a
rolling bolt of thunder Straining my head around and taking my body under...Oh
what a night..." The song ended, but Willie and Carolyn went on for a few
steps more, both of them just staring at each other. Then Willie leaned down
and kissed Carolyn.
David's mouth fell wide open. Quentin grabbed him by the arm and pulled him
toward the door. "Come on, David, let's see what other records you've
got." They stopped short because Elizabeth was in the doorway, staring at
Carolyn and Willie. Elizabeth, who'd heard the music being repeated over and
over and who'd come down to find out what was going on, couldn't have been more
horrified.
******************************************************************
Elizabeth looked at her reflection in the mirror and sighed. Her light blue
gown was lovely, and really was agreeable to her skin tone and hair coloring.
She smiled and tried to mean it. Then she sighed again.
"Why were you so unhappy?" her mother wondered. "They were in
love. What a special kind of love, too, because it developed out of such a
strong friendship."
"I know," Elizabeth sighed. "I really should be ashamed of
myself. I just didn't think he was good enough for her. She's so smart, and
he's so--"
"Dumb?" Ruth asked. "Low class?"
"Well," Elizabeth was embarrassed. "But a HANDYMAN!"
"He could've stayed a con man, like Jason McGuire. Or perhaps a lady's
man, like Paul Stoodard," Ruth pointed out, mildly ironic.
Elizabeth couldn't respond.
"Oh, dear, I was so worried. I wanted to do something, but I had moved on
to a level where you really have to be an archangel to do much of anything that
is noticeable. It's so much easier from here where the ties are so much
stronger." Ruth noticed Elizabeth's stricken silence. "Please don't
feel badly," Ruth said apologetically. "All mothers want the best for
their children. They just don't always recognize what the best is."
"Yes," Elizabeth agreed, feeling a little sad.
"What is it?"
"I just wish I had totally accepted him. I tried to, but I think they knew
how I really felt. I know they knew quite clearly how Roger felt. That's why
they moved into town."
Even before the wedding, the young couple announced their plans to move into a
little house in Collinsport. They politely refused used of the caretaker's
cottage, rooms at Collinwood, and rooms at the Old House. They wanted to be
alone. They wanted to make a home of their own.
Carolyn convinced Willie to get married on Easter Sunday. "It'll be symbolic of a new beginning for both of us," she said.
Maggie was Carolyn's matron of honor; Sebastian, who'd gone establishment and
now devoted his talents to investment brokerage (and was doing very well),
agreed to be Willie's best man. Roger very nearly refused to give Carolyn away.
He "gave in", as he put it, only out of his love for Carolyn.
Willie continued to keep the grounds at the Old House, and Carolyn kept
teaching. They began going around with Quentin and his frequent dates to the
movies and to the new dance clubs called "discos". They had to travel
all the way into Bangor for that, and it turned into a weekend party when they
would go. The new dance steps were fun and easy to learn.
Several times, they met Chris and Sabrina there. Carolyn was delighted to see
them again; she hadn't seen them in years. They'd adopted a couple of children;
Amy was babysitting them. Carolyn found out, to her surprise, that David was a
frequent visitor--visiting Amy, that is. Quentin also spent a lot of time with
them, too--doing what, Carolyn wondered. She didn't know that they had all that
much in common, although Quentin and Chris seemed to get on well.
"It all seemed to be going very well for them," Elizabeth commented.
"They were happy and got on well together. They had a little home of their
own. Before long, Carolyn was pregnant. I wasn't sure how I felt. I was glad
for her, but still very worried. I still wasn't sure I trusted Willie."
"Sometimes things fall apart when everything's going well," Ruth
remarked. "How well I remember that! Roger was newly born, and Jamison and
I had begun to draw close again--and then there was the car accident."
"Yes, it seems like there's always been some kind of curse on us so that
we can never be completely happy," Elizabeth agreed. "It all began to
fall apart soon after Jamie was born. They were so excited. They just knew they
were going to have a boy. Carolyn had dreams about it. They wanted to name the
baby for someone important to us. Barnabas insisted his name was too old
fashioned, so they chose Jamison, for Father."
"I know, and he is so proud."
"They also wanted to name the baby after Willie, so he became Jamison William." Elizabeth thought she would smile broadly if she could. "What a beautiful, happy baby! He always gurgling and cooing. It was always a pleasure to take care of him!"
"But..."
Willie would stay up most of the night with the baby to try and give Carolyn a
break. She was so tired, and the baby nursed almost round the clock. He wasn't
really sleeping during the night yet. He'd sleep like a rock all day long and
have a 3 or 4 hour wakeful period at 2 a.m. Willie began to look haggard, too.
He developed a persistent cough.
"You had some problems, too," Ruth commented. "I felt drawn to
you once again."
"Yes, at about the same time, I began to feel light headed. Sometimes, my
arm would feel heavy--almost too heavy to move. Julia said my blood pressure
was high. She had me take some medicine. It was worse with Willie. We didn't
know how seriously ill he was. We just thought he was over tired and run
down."
Climbing the stairs at the Old House, Willie would pause at the top to catch
his breath.
"Willie, are you quite all right?" Barnabas asked, concerned.
"Yeah, I'm fine, Barnabas, just gotta kick this cold," Willie
wheezed, coughing.
One night, after Carolyn had put little Jamie to bed, she realized she could
hear Willie's labored breathing all the way up stairs. Alarmed, she ran down
the stairs to the living room. Willie was just watching television, but his
face had a gray pallor to it. "Willie!" Carolyn cried.
"Geez, Carolyn, I guess I must be pretty sick," Willie said.
"I'm freezing."
Carolyn called Collinwood, looking for Julia. Elizabeth sent Quentin to the Old
House to fetch her.
Julia listened to Willie's lungs and heart. She thumped his chest with her
fingers. She stood with her back to Carolyn. She looked up at Barnabas and
Quentin, and they saw real concern and reason to be alarmed. "I think we'd
better go over to the hospital and get some x- rays," Julia said as calmly
as she could. "We want to make sure you don't have pneumonia."
"I'll stay with Jamie," Quentin volunteered. He went with Carolyn
into the kitchen, listening to her tick off instructions about baby care.
Carolyn went to the closet to get their coats.
Barnabas pulled Julia aside and whispered in her ear. "What is it?"
he whispered.
Julia shook her head. She allowed herself to look frightened momentarily.
"At the very least, it IS pneumonia. His lungs are filled with fluid. He
sounds like he's drowning. Did you see his color? And his face is very
puffy."
"Congestive heart failure," Elizabeth whispered. "We couldn't
believe it. We thought it was something that only happened to older people, not
one as young as Willie. Carolyn called me from the hospital. They had Willie in
intensive care, trying to stop the progression of it."
"So young," Ruth said mournfully. "What caused it?"
"We don't know," Elizabeth sighed. "It may have been a virus
that attacked his heart muscle. The doctor said he had, let me
think--cardiomyopathy. He WAS very sick within a few days of Jamie's birth. He
had a high fever." She thought for a moment. "We also found out that
Willie had experimented with drugs before coming to Collinsport, maybe even for
the first few weeks he was here. He took some kind of pills, I think it's
called speed. He also said he used some cocaine." Ruth looked at Elizabeth
with sympathy. "Bad choices lead to bad outcomes," Elizabeth said.
"Yes," Ruth agreed, "but as you say, you're not sure what
happened. He might've just gotten sick, as you said. He hadn't taken those
drugs for a long time before he met Carolyn."
"Yes. The doctor also said it may have been something he had all along.
Many people don't know they have it, and they just drop dead. I suppose we were
lucky in that way. Well. Willie was in the hospital for about ten days or so,
and then he was discharged. He had to take five or six different medicines and
his doctor referred him to the cardiologists at Massachusetts General. Later,
he even went to the Heart Hospital in Allegheny, Pennsylvania. It seems that
Julia knew some people there. We all did what we could to help. Jamie was
absolutely no trouble to watch at all. It all seemed so hopeless, though. There
was no cure. They could only give Willie medicine to control the fluid, keep it
from filling up in his lungs again. His heart wasn't going to get better, the
doctors said. They did say there was the chance of a heart transplant, but
there were complications with that--not to mention a long waiting list."
Elizabeth paused, then went on. "Even under the worst of circumstances, life goes on somehow. Willie seemed a little better, but he wasn't the same. He couldn't walk long distances without getting out of breath. He had to give up heavy work at Collinwood. That was very difficult for him. Yet, the family rallied around him."
"And now?" her mother prompted.
"Now--well, Willie's becoming weaker again, and Carolyn is pregnant. She
should be having her baby any day now. They'd just gotten back from the doctor
when I--" Elizabeth stopped, as the memory of her last day overwhelmed
her.
Elizabeth had been watching Jamie while Carolyn and Willie went to the
cardiologist in Boston. It was just after Christmas; Jamie was 21 months old
and had finally begun to say more than a word or two. Well, Elizabeth thought
to herself, she'd always heard that boys developed more slowly than girls. She
put Jamie down for a nap, grateful that he was such a good-natured baby. She'd
developed a sharp, blinding headache--the worst she'd ever experienced. When
she went to put Jamie down for a nap, her left leg felt suddenly weak. She
nearly lost her balance but managed to get Jamie into his crib in David's old
room.
Elizabeth gripped the sides of the crib, frightened. She felt so odd. Should
she call Julia? How? She was alone in the house with Jamie, and there was no
phone at the Old House. Well, Quentin or Roger would be home soon. Or maybe
Carolyn and Willie would get back before long. She made her way down the stairs
and into the drawing room, sitting herself down on the couch.
A little while later, she was feeling better. Roger came home from work,
visited with her briefly and then went upstairs to change. Mrs. Johnson came
in, her errands in town complete. Quentin bounded down the stairs and came in
for a drink. It turned out he'd been in the West Wing all along, writing.
Quentin was still passing the time with Elizabeth when Carolyn and Willie came
in.
Both of them looked strained, and both of them looked like they were putting on
brave faces.
They politely declined an invitation to dinner. Carolyn and Elizabeth went upstairs to get Jamie. Carolyn lifted Jamie out of the bed and held him to her, her eyes filling with tears.
"Carolyn, what's wrong?" Elizabeth asked.
"Oh, mother, I don't know what I'm going to do! I feel so alone!"
Carolyn wept, rocking the still sleeping baby. Her belly bulged hugely.
"The doctor said they'd put Willie on their list for transplants, but he
said they'd have to get a muh-match first, and that the w-wait could be a l-
long time, and Willie could d-d-"
"Oh, Carolyn, darling," Elizabeth felt like weeping herself. The pain
in her head was back, sending exploding stars of agony across her skull.
"What am I going to do? I love Willie so much! He can't leave me now, not
when I'm going to have this b-baby--"
Elizabeth felt a bomb explode in her brain. Her last conscious memory was of
Carolyn's face in hers, screaming, "Mama!" over and over.
"Poor Carolyn. Poor Elizabeth," said Ruth. "No wonder you
couldn't leave then."
"How could I? There was Carolyn, wondering how she could live without her
husband, and there I go, having a massive stroke on her! What kind of mother
would do that? She needed me!" Elizabeth realized what she was saying and
looked at her mother, stricken.
"There, there," Ruth said comfortingly. "The truth is, we don't
always get to choose. Sometimes things just happen at the wrong time. I thought
the very same thing. I didn't want to go, either, knowing that I was leaving
behind my two little children who still needed me very much."
"Then, Mama, do you see that I could never really rest, knowing that
Carolyn may lose both her mother AND her husband? I couldn't bear it!"
"Perhaps there is something we can do to help," Ruth said. "As I
said before, there are possibilities here that we call ' miracles' on
earth." She thought. "I would like to ask one of your cousins, the
first Quentin Collins. He was an inventor, a brilliant and most extraordinary
man." Elizabeth smiled hopefully.
*****************************************************************
Now that they had a plan, Ruth had to teach Elizabeth how to maneuver, how to
communicate. They practiced over and over. Then Ruth said excitedly,
"Come, Elizabeth, there's something I think you'd like to see. We're going
back. Don't worry, no one will see us."
Elizabeth was aware of being back in the hospital. She wondered how long she'd
been gone. Reading her mind, her mother answered, "You've been in a coma
for several weeks. The family has been told that there is no hope. They doctors
are leaving the decision to Roger and Carolyn, but they haven't been able to
bring themselves to have the breathing machine taken away." Odd, Elizabeth
thought, I don't really feel anything about that. I just want to know about
Carolyn. "She's here, having her baby."
Elizabeth could see Carolyn's face, bright red and sweating with effort.
Willie, pale and exhausted, was on his feet and at her side, holding her hand
and leaning in so that his face was only inches from hers. Their eyes were
locked on each other; Willie was blowing rapidly, and Carolyn was following
him. Just like the dance, Elizabeth thought. She saw the deep love the two had
for each other.
"Okay, Carolyn, this is it," the doctor said. Willie supported
Carolyn's shoulders with his arm and pulled her almost to a sitting position.
He counted, and then Carolyn put all her energy and concentration into
delivering the baby. Elizabeth watched in surprised wonder as the baby's head
presented itself, followed by the shoulders, and then by the rest of the
squirming little body. The baby shrieked with rage.
"Ohhhhh, my!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "What is it?"
"Darling! If you concentrate, you'll know!" Ruth was very excited.
"My great-grand--" Then she seemed to push Elizabeth forward.
"Go look. But you really don't have to move. Just look."
Elizabeth watched the nurses drying the tiny infant girl. A girl, a little
girl! she thought. Willie kissed Carolyn and then stepped back and collapsed
into a chair, breathing heavily. The nurse wrapped the baby tightly and brought
her to Carolyn. Carolyn turned her head away, toward Willie. "Not
now!"
The nurse seemed to understand and brought the baby to Willie. "Would you
like to hold your daughter?" Eagerly, Willie held his arms out for the
baby. He held her against his chest tenderly.
Watching him with her granddaughter, Elizabeth realized something: Carolyn
didn't love the baby. Right now, she didn't even want her. She turned to her
mother. "I must speak with her tonight." Ruth nodded in agreement.
"I will show you how to free yourself of the tie that binds you still to
your body," her mother promised. "Then you can speak to
Carolyn."
The nurse had brought the infant in for a late night visit, but Carolyn found
herself unable to stay awake and felt no desire to hold her baby. She drifted
off, the baby sleeping in the bassinette nearby. Carolyn awoke from a troubled
sleep to see a dark form bending over the baby's bassinette. She bolted upright.
"What are you doing?" Like the baby or not, she was still her mother
and she would protect her child from danger. The figure straightened up.
Stunned, Carolyn's mouth dropped open. "Mother!" she gasped.
"Mama! What--how--?"
Elizabeth seemed to glide to the bed and sat down beside Carolyn. "My
darling, I love you so much. And the baby is so beautiful."
"Mother, what are you doing up? You shouldn't be here, should you?"
Carolyn asked, confused.
"My darling, I don't have much time, and I must talk to you. I want you to
know how much I love you, and the children, and Willie, too. And I want you to
trust me and believe what I tell you."
Carolyn nodded, speechless with shock as she realized her mother wasn't really
there.
"There are wonderful things in this world, and miracles can happen. I know
that right now you are so worried about losing Willie that you're not thinking
about this baby. I know that you don't want her right now and that you don't
think you'll ever be able to love her. I am telling you now that you are not
terrible to feel this way. You will love her, and you will want her. And I want
you to know that there is hope for Willie, and that I am going to try and help
him. Somehow, we will get him the help he needs. I am not able to explain it
all to you right now, but I will come back to you and I will tell you what to
do. Do you believe me, Carolyn?"
"Yes, Mother," Carolyn whispered.
Elizabeth put her hand on the side of Carolyn's face, stroking her tenderly.
Carolyn closed her eyes and tears spilled down her cheeks. "I wish I could
stay with you. I wish I could help you with your babies. But you'll always have
Willie. And Roger and David and Barnabas and Julia and Quentin. I will be back.
I promise." When Carolyn opened her eyes again, her mother was gone.
The baby was crying. Carolyn got out of the bed and walked over to the
bassinette. She picked up the baby and carried her back to the bed. She looked
down at her child. "I'm sorry I don't feel anything right now," she
whispered. She heard her mother's voice in her ear again. "I will love you
someday, I promise you that." She began to sob.
At that moment, Elizabeth's doctor was approaching Roger, Quentin, and David,
who'd all been called to the hospital. He took them into an adjoining room and
asked them to sit down. "When we called you, Mrs. Stoddard had had another
stroke. She went into cardiac arrest and then respiratory failure. We did
everything we could to resuscitate her, but we weren't able to start her heart
again. I'm sorry." Roger buried his face in his hands, pulling away from
his son and cousin. David's face crumpled in grief. Quentin put his arm around
David to comfort him, and the young man began to sob. Quentin sighed heavily,
trying to cope with his own grief.
"What are we going to tell Carolyn?" Roger wondered, his voice
breaking.
