Day 12: Mother's Day

I am participating in the American Cancer Society’s challenge to write for thirty minutes each day in May. I do a lot of writing and I can meet this challenge. I plan to make a blog entry each day with what I’ve written.

I wanted to participate in memory of loved ones who fought cancer bravely but succumbed:

My brother-in-law Jeff

My sister-in-law Ann

My dear friend Kay

My Uncle Bob

My Uncle John

I also wanted to help raise money to support research and a cure for those currently fighting this vicious disease.

My Facebook to the fundraiser is here. 

 

I am looking forward to celebrating Mother's Day with my family on Sunday. We’re meeting up at one of our favorite parks in Hamilton. My favorite gift is the company of all of us together, Ted, Bill, Heidi, Kristin, Tomas, and me. This year, one of Heidi’s friends will be joining us so she doesn’t have to spend the day alone, and I’m happy to have her along.

 Veterans Parks has lots of lovely trails to explore. In addition to that, they are having an Azalea Festival. I just love azaleas!

 Mother’s Day wasn’t always a happy, celebratory day.

My mom didn’t learn good mothering skills from my grandma. That’s weird because Grandma became my role model for what a mother and grandmother should be. I believe Mom didn’t develop the skills because she didn’t spend enough time with her mom. My mom and aunt were both born Deaf in 1930 and 1928, respectively.

In their school years, education for the Deaf was much different than it is today. In my mom’s and aunt’s cases, they were sent to Lexington School for the Deaf in New York City. The philosophy for most schools for the Deaf during those years was to forbid the use of sign language, the natural and native language of Deaf people. Instead, my mom and my aunt were subjected to hours of lipreading classes. They lagged in written English, reading, math, and all the other skills because of this focus on lipreading.

My mom and my aunt lived in Lexington almost year-round. They came home for Christmas and for the summer. This was true of most Deaf schools. The children’s role models became the teachers and dorm supervisors, who didn’t necessarily mother their students. The students learned to depend on each other, but they were all children.

Because signing in public was forbidden, the kids learned to communicate secretly. A popular place to sign with each other was in the restrooms. Bold students might try signing under the table in the dining room or under their desks in the classroom.

When my mom and aunt went home on vacation, they felt isolated. My grandparents and their brothers, my uncles, had all been instructed not to use any kind of signing, not even gestures. Conversations around the dinner table were impossible for the girls to follow. They couldn’t tell who was speaking when.

 Because they were away at school for most of the year, they didn’t have much opportunity to see mothering modeled by Grandma.

So, what was the result of this?

Mom was ambivalent about mothering not only because she didn’t know how but also because she had an undiagnosed mental illness. She would try to engage with my brother and me but often would become enraged. It scared us. Sometimes she hurt us. Dad worked full-time and some days he’d come home to find Mom in a state of hysterics so he would take my brother and me someplace, like the beach, to give Mom a chance to collect herself.

When I was ten, Dad got laid off and got a job six hours away in Baltimore, MD. He hoped this would be temporary and that he would return to our home on Long Island. Mom got through six months and couldn’t take it anymore. We moved to Baltimore too to be with Dad.

There they discovered a club for the Deaf. They began going there every weekend night, enjoying the fellowship of other Deaf adults. They also discovered the bar. Mom self-medicated and, if anything, her violent episodes became worse. My brother and I never knew what would set her off and tried to make ourselves invisible.

With the drinking came the fighting between my parents. That led to episodes of domestic violence between them.  Growing up wasn’t much fun. Holidays weren’t much fun either because those were a good excuse to drink.

When I had children, I was so afraid I would be like her that I began attending 12-step meetings to learn how to deal with my trauma and how to learn good parenting. I used my Grandma as my role model. She was always happy to see me and loved me unconditionally. She didn’t ever say that she never wanted children, as Mom said to me.

I don’t hate my mother. I am sorry about her separation from her parents, and I’m sorry about whatever was troubling her mind. When I think of Mother’s Day, I always think of my Grandma. She was my surrogate mom. Then I think of myself. I do think of Mom, but not first.

 

Day 8 Writing and Cats Are Good for the Soul

 

I started keeping a diary when I was about 11 or 12. It was a little pink book with a few lines provided for each day of the week. I used it mostly to write up a little synopsis of my two favorite soap operas: “Dark Shadows” and “One Life to Live.” Sometimes I would note something that had happened daily but hesitated to do much of that.

I also wrote creative stories, filling composition books with my scribblings. I was writing a story about a family with an evil stepmother. My mother thought it was all right to read the story because I left the notebook out. She was outraged, thinking that the stepmother was really her in disguise. She was right about that but continued in such a rage that I was nervous about writing anything else.

With this little pink diary, I found that the few lines they provided for each day of the week were not enough. I filled it out fast and so, with my allowance, I bought a larger-sized diary. I’d moved on to junior high and had a positively miserable year. It started all right. I had been placed in the highest track, which was supposed to lead to an earlier high school graduation.

The trouble started with an English creative writing story. We were supposed to write a fairy tale.  I wrote about a talking cat with a magic flying carpet that flew around the world. The cat met and befriended everyone she met in the world. It was quite unlike the stories the other students wrote. I guess I was socially immature for my age. The teacher asked me to read my story and while she was charmed, the rest of the class howled with laughter. To them, I’d written a babyish story and they wouldn’t let me forget.

I wrote about the daily torments and how I hated to go to school. Writing released a lot of the anger and hurt I felt inside but I wondered what my parents would think if they read this new diary. I began to hide it in different places to keep it safe from Mom’s prying eyes.

I was writing so much I soon filled that book too. These little diaries were pretty but not nearly large enough to fill my thoughts. I bought a three-ring notebook. That would be big enough and, not only that, but my parents also wouldn’t be suspicious about the purchase. Three-ring notebooks were part of a student’s school supplies.

I felt so much freedom. I didn’t have to confine myself to a few lines for each day of the week. I could write freely for pages and pages, or I could write nothing at all.

Writing in a journal is so cathartic. I felt apart from others to begin with because my parents were Deaf. They also drank too much. There was domestic violence in our house. Sometimes when they would fight, Dad would hit Mom. Sometimes they battled each other. I would hide in my room, locking myself in with my cat. I would write and write.

Mom had an undiagnosed mental illness, possibly bipolar. Her moods would fluctuate between calm, annoyance, and uncontrolled rage. She would turn on my brother and me and hurt us. I wrote about all that too. My journal and my cat were my therapists. I hid the notebook well, changing its hiding place often.

Not so very long, that notebook was filled and so I bought another one. Over the years, I must have gone through six or seven notebooks.

One year, we’d convinced Mom to see the doctor about her depression and rage swings. She went to our family doctor; there was too much shame in consulting with a psychiatrist, which is who she really needed. The doctor prescribed a drug called Sinequan. I don’t recall that it helped.

What I do recall is that after one of my parents’ fights, I had trouble rousing her one morning. Then I found an empty pill bottle on the floor. Frightened, I looked around her night table and found a note. The Note.  I ran downstairs to tell my father and then got on the phone to call for an ambulance. Dad hung up the phone. He didn’t want anyone to know what was going on.

After getting the emergency operator off the phone and while Dad was upstairs trying to rouse Mom, I called the doctor. He first asked, “What do you want me to do about it? Call an ambulance!” I suppose he must have heard the fright in my voice because then he advised, “If you can, get her up and walking.”

I went upstairs. Dad and I dragged Mom out of bed and then walked. At first, Mom was barely conscious but then, thank God, began to awaken. Once she was alert enough to brush us off, I ran downstairs to call the pastor of the Deaf church. I was beside myself.

The pastor said, “Pack a bag and get out of there. Come down here to the church.”

The first things into my suitcase were all my journals and then a few clothes. The suitcase was very heavy, but I hauled it to the bus stop and caught the next bus to that church. The pastor and his mother were waiting for me and, when I explained why my bag was so heavy, they couldn’t help but burst out laughing. They didn’t realize that those journals were the most precious things (next to the cat) that I owned.

Speaking of cats, all of my precious ones have been a part of my life since babyhood. At first, the cats were my mother’s. When I was about 8, I began bringing them home. My mom liked cats too and so she never told me ‘no’ when I asked to keep them. Petting them and listening to them purr always soothes my soul. Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs too. I am just a cat person and over the years have become a crazy cat lady.

I still write journals and stories but not with pen and paper. Rheumatoid arthritis has invaded my fingers so that it’s difficult to grasp a pen or pencil for long. Everything I write is done on my laptop now.

Do I still have my handwritten journals? Alas, no. I shared them with my first husband, Rich, in the 1980s. He cried. He said, “I don’t want you to have these memories for you to fall back on. I want to make new, good memories with you.” He asked if we could throw them away. I’d been rereading them and was experiencing what was later called PTSD. I wanted to feel better and so I said yes. We drove to a dumpster and threw them away.

Sometimes I regret that. Sometimes I don’t. I still remember a lot of what happened anyway, even without the raw and emotional words to remind me. What I do know is how valuable they were to me at a time I needed them most. And I currently have four cats.

I am participating in the American Cancer Society’s challenge to write for thirty minutes each day in May. I do a lot of writing and I can meet this challenge. I plan to make a blog entry each day with what I’ve written.

I wanted to participate in memory of loved ones who fought cancer bravely but succumbed:

My brother-in-law Jeff

My sister-in-law Ann

My dear friend Kay

My Uncle Bob

My Uncle John

 

I also wanted to help raise money to support research and a cure for those currently fighting this vicious disease.

My Facebook to the fundraiser is here.