I haven’t been able to cry in years, and I’m not sure why.
When I was growing up, I too had to stuff my feelings and pretend everything was all right even though it wasn’t. I would lock myself in my room and let the tears flow. I cried until there was nothing left inside and my eyes burned so badly, I’d close them and go to sleep. When I began counseling and meetings, I came to accept that it was okay to share what I was feeling and to cry, although there were things, I still kept hidden. I think it was an issue of trust. There were things I couldn’t open up about to anyone, and some not even to my journal.
The last time I really had “good” cries was after my first husband passed away in 2001. I would dissolve into tears over the mention of his name, a memory, a familiar smell, the sight of his clothing or a favorite place we liked to visit. It felt good to get the grief out but I didn’t like the aftermath of crying: red, swollen eyes, stuffy nose, and hitching breaths. I never liked that part of it.
So why did I stop crying? It’s not that I don’t feel grief or pain. I have been heartsick over every single story of child abuse, mass shootings, deaths of friends and relatives, and sad scenes in movies but the tears won’t come anymore. Is it possible I cried them all away?
I have no trouble expressing anger. That’s always been the easiest to release. I can laugh. I can feel happy and joyous. I can feel deeply depressed and incredibly sad. But I can’t cry. There are still some feelings I keep hidden but I don’t think that’s why I don’t cry. Before counseling and meetings, I kept everything hidden and I cried like a baby.
All of that is just to say I’m much better expressing myself, standing up for myself, and even toning down the anger. But I can’t cry.
Crying is just one of the ways to express emotions. Perhaps you have just become better at the other ways. Atleast that's what I tell myself. I too cry very rarely.
ReplyDeleteOur body always has good reasons to speak this or that way. Unfortunately, only you can find out exactly for sure why you no longer cry. I personally went through a time in which I couldn't cry too. It was a mixed result of repressed emotions and depression. I find that practicing heart-coherence and self-compassion helps us dissolve and tap into that tender part of ourselves that connects with crying and releasing related-negative emotions.
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